Relief is an understatement. It’s like I was a survivor of a nuclear power plant explosion and I grew a hideous 3rd arm as a result. I lived with that 3rd arm, feeling disfigured, long after the power plant explosion. Now I finally feel “normal”, save for some bad days where my complex ptsd is worse than usual. I can’t even remember having a hideous 3rd arm anymore.
For example, I have a boyfriend now. Not a narc, not a cluster B. Just a regular guy who is capable of real love and intimacy. Our relationship is respectful, fair, loving, we have good communication, we both show each other our vulnerabilities… over time though. He never tried to love bomb me or rush things, never once tried to push my boundaries. He doesn’t play games… he says what he means, and does what he says. He has never stone walled me, played any psychological games, etc. There was never an idealization-devalue-discard cycle.
When I compare my feelings now to what I had experienced before, I can see that the “love” I felt before was more like some kind of sick addiction. And not even to a real person, but a sick addiction to a fantasy character. It was not real love or intimacy. It was not built on something genuine. Real love feels safe, sometimes so safe that it feels a little bit boring. Real love doesn’t feel like extreme highs and extreme lows, like you took a hit of heroin and then you’re having withdrawal symptoms.
So everyday that I build more experiences, I feel more and more “relieved” that I had a chance at life to find a real partner, to live my days with peace of mind and joy, to not have to live my life feeling “disfigured” with a 3rd arm. In a way, surviving narcissistic abuse is a gift, because it makes you truly value good people who come into your life, it makes you really value what life has to offer. “Relief” is such an understatement to describe how I feel. It’s more like, I feel I have a new chance at life. You can never really feel apathetic about anything after narcissistic abuse.
Storytelling by Morris Hayes Jr 